Live today as if there's no tomorrow

: leejean; November 24th, 15:53

After the excursion to Nanyang Polytechnics, three of us were in the train on the way back, talking over our experiences. The conversations turned personal after a little bit as it’s wont to do.
At a lull in our talk, an uncle stepped closer and butted in. I’d noticed his glances for a while. He’d obviously been following some of our exchanges for a while.
"I’m from India," he said with the unmistakable lilt of that subcontinent.
"I’m 70 over year old, still have all my hair," here pointing at the lanky strands on his head, "and all my teeth," and here barring his lips to display the rather large teeth. It reminded me of a TV program I once saw of a horse dealer pulling away the lips of his charges to show to prospective customers.
In an abrupt change of topic, "My father told me to wear only white shirt and black pants. Else my value will drop!" Grabbing one sleeve and shaking it, "White shirt!" Grabbing one pant leg and shaking till something jingled in the pocket, "Black pants!"
"I never wear anything else!" Then, making a sweeping gesture with his hands in the air, which somehow encompassed the form of my body, "Not tee-shirt and jeans!" and with curling lips, "Like teenagers!"
By that time, Bryan has turned his attention to his mobile phone. I was not sure whether I’m supposed to be insulted or complimented. But he’d not finish. "Always wear white shirt and black pants! You know why (some shop or other) workers always wear white shirt and black pants?" Triumphantly tossing his head.

I decided to treat it like I would any patter from a really old person, in one ear and out another, while maintaining a fixed neutral facial expression. Perhaps that was a mistake. He went on to talk about his current quest to become a lawyer and make big money, and the PRC woman with a chain of shops selling traditional chinese medicines in Pakistan.

"I teach people to speak fluent English," He said, again with that lilt. "You want to learn English?"

After he left the train, a young Malay man sauntered in. He’s probably a trainee in a restaurant or hotel because he’s wearing white shirt and black pants with safety shoes. Even in our bemused state, we could still see and agree that a white shirt and black pants does indeed add value, if they’re cladding a nubile body.

(no subject)

: leejean; November 24th, 12:53

Human speech is like a cracked kettle on which we tap crude rhythms for bears to dance to, while longing to make music that will melt the stars.

- Flaubert

at Play

: leejean; November 23rd, 16:51

Tags: himbo

step 1/2

: leejean; November 23rd, 16:25

My ads is generating a bit of discussions on Facebook.

Maybe it's too wordy but I think for a first try - and for clarity when I read it for the workshop - I need to explain the process where I come to reach this point.

I suspect most of the commenters speed-read and skipped over some sentences. It's obvious from some of the comments that they didn't read everything and formed certain conclusions themselves. Some are people who know me in real life and may know me better than I know myself so I'd be thinking over those comments.

Anyway, I've got one wow! already from someone I really care about, so maybe I'd get more wow! later.

Tags: himbo

Wanted - a prince to come riding in

: leejean; November 23rd, 10:56

(Note: This arise from a Columbus assignment.)

We're all dying day by day. That's the human condition.

Lately I've been feeling that time is moving faster, sometimes too fast. Partly I guess because I'm getting busier with works, volunteer, etc. Partly I have a sense that my time is running out.

Before now, I'd never thought I want a relationship. I have profiles online, but mainly as a "I'm gay and I'm here" kind of thing rather than a serious effort to meet people. I do have pictures on the profiles, with face and body. But wanting "chat" and "friends" somehow do not generate a lot of hits.

Anyway, my contacts is circumscribed by works and volunteer activities. I have yet to meet any gay guys on worksites or during seminars and workshops. There're plenty of gay guys doing volunteer works and they're all very nice but all local or malaysian like me.

Yes, in case you haven't notice from many of my picture posts, I'm an SPG.

So, if you are or know of any guy in your contacts who are looking, perhaps you can tell him about me.

I'd like you or him to be (not in any particular order)

1) Taller than me. Good if he's fair and trim

2) Kind and considerate towards others

3) Comfortable being gay. Will be best if he's completely out

4) Enjoy his works. If he travels a lot that's fine as I can use the time he's away for my volunteer activities. Also I think traveling a lot is glamorous though I can imagine it's probably tedious if you do it for works too often.

5) Need not be rich. But very good if he is and generous about it so that I can persuade him to donate to HIV/aids initiatives such as health clinic, library, etc.
6) HIV+ or HIV- doesn't matter, but if he's HIV+, I'd like him to be +ve about it and treat it with a little humor (black humor is fine). This is the least of my concerns doing what I do at AFA and OC

7) Sexually experienced. I'm not so experienced so it'd be good if he is.

8) Not too much younger than me. This is a big hang-up for me. I used to think the guy must be older than I am. I think I can now take a few years younger.

Oh, if he sings or plays an instrument, he'd be the perfect man!

What can I offer? Actually I'm not too sure. You may know I have issue with self-confidence. You may not know I also have issue with body image. I volunteer a lot which to many guys is admirable but only from a distance.

I communicate better in writing than in speech. I'm willing to relocate. I'm open-minded. I'm willing to learn. I won't demand that he's faithful to me as long as he's safe. I think I can be faithful but I don't really know since I'd never been in a proper relationship. My language of love is quality time. It'd be good if we're a match but I think I can work with him as long as I know what his is.

Gwo Yinn

Tags: himbo

10.3%

: leejean; November 22nd, 18:05

Too little? It's all at lower abs, unfortunately :-(

Tags: himbo

(no subject)

: leejean; November 22nd, 17:22

I promised I'd be happy. Indeed I woke up happy this morning. That's when I realized I was blessed. So I told people I love I love. I was going to be late for gym, I thought. I got a taxi right on the door step. The driver was taking a smoke break. Happy. Upon reaching ORQ, I couldn't find my coin pouch and the driver told me to forget his 40 cents. Imagine a taxi driver taking less than the metered fare! Happy. I was hyper throughout the work-out session. I was given a ride back. Happy. The sun was warm on my back. Happy. I had a short talk with you and heard your domestic bliss. Happy. It was sweet and I am happy you're happy. So happy. Ok, actually I'm sad I'm not the one making you happy. I am happy-sad. I want to be happy. I just want to be happy. I thought of mother's dream. I could really feel happy starting to slip away. Now I'm thinking of the sea and the air bubbles going away, the fishes growing unafraid. Happy finally.

Tags: himbo

any dreams interpreter here?

: leejean; November 22nd, 15:16

My brother told me mother dreamt about me. Often. I was standing in a car. Or on top of a car. There's a crowd all around. Shouting.

He said she didn't say what I was wearing, didn't say what the crowd was shouting.

I said maybe I was a witch on the way to be burn. Or an adulteress being paraded and the crowd was screaming for me to be drown in a pigs basket.

Jokes aside, I'd really like to know if the dream means anything

Tags: himbo

blessings

: leejean; November 22nd, 14:30

I expect it's the conjunction of cool breeze and gentle sunshine this morning. As if someone snapped a finger in my face, I saw that I'm blessed with much loves and affections from family and friends.

I guess I know all along that I never said words of appreciation to the people I care about. But today was the first time I told myself I should not let the famous asian values stop me from doing so.

I told my brother over yahoo chat that I love him. I asked him to tell mother that I love her. I asked him to tell his son that I love him. After that I messaged a few friends.

From today onwards, I intend to make it a point to keep telling family and friends that I care.

And if you're reading this: please know that you're loved, too, even if for one reason or another you're never told.

My one request is that you live well, because that's the only reward those who love you will expect from you.

Tags: himbo

clubbing

: leejean; November 22nd, 10:35

Last night during the sero-prevalent survey at Play a friend got seriously drunk.

At first I didn't realized how serious it was. He sounded the same to me. Then he kept repeating the same question, swaying on his feet. It made me giggly because he was usually very controlled. Then he said very clearly that he's lonely. Which started to become not funny.

Another volunteer said he'd been drinking steadily for the past 3 hours. His colleague-friend-neighbor said that wasn't the first time and he's sort of the designated escort to get him home every time they go out.

My grandfather and father drank. My mother still drinks. The good thing about the friend, my late grandfather, late father and mother is that they're what's called 'polite' drunks. i.e. they sleep it off without making any scene.

I'm not sure whether this is a trait you can inherit but I know I'm capable of drinking to excess. It was nice while it lasted to not feel anything, but afterwards I'd realized there's a chunk of time missing from my memory during which I could have done and said many things or ket things happen to me, hurting myself, hurting people who love me. That's one reason I don't go clubbing except for work.

Sometimes the load you carry is far too heavy. Taking a break is fine. Give yourself that breathing space. Allow yourself to put down the burden.

Sometimes just saying the load is too heavy is enough to enable you to carry on. Talk to a friend, family, an elder you trust. Sometimes because of the so-called asian values, we look and saw and worried but do not ask or offer help, not because we don't care but because we're afraid to offend.

A burden too heavy for one, often is manageable when shared between two or more.

Tags: himbo

past, present, future

: leejean; November 21st, 17:02

Strictly speaking we only have now.

The past is over and done with. No matter how much we'd like to go back in time, wish we'd said this rather than that, do this instead of that, the deeds were done and can never be undone.

The future is not yet here. No matter how much we hope tomorrow will be brighter in every way compared to where we are now, we can never know for sure until the future has become the past.

It's the past that we know and lament or celebrate. The future is forever out of reach and unknowable.

The future in fact is a concept like heaven and eternity. You have to take it with a large dose of faith. You can only hope that you'd be alive tomorrow to greet the sun.

It's the present that we need to savour. But far too often, we're looking back into the past or planning for the future. We neglect the here and now.

Tags: himbo

Someday My Prince Will Come

: leejean; November 21st, 13:26

Some day my prince will come
Some day I'll find my love
And how thrilling that moment will be
When the prince of my dreams comes to me

He'll whisper "I love you"
And steal a kiss or two
Though he's far away
I'll find my love some day
Some day when my dreams come true

Some day I'll find my love
Someone to call my own
And I'll know him the moment we meet
For my heart will start skipping a beat

Some day we'll say and do
Things we've been longing to
Though he's far away
I'll find my love some day
Some day when my dreams come true

Tags: lyric

principle of zero harm

: leejean; November 21st, 9:53

I forgot the principle includes not hurting myself. Or allowing myself to be hurt. Which is much the same thing.

Had an especially nasty allergy attack at the club last night. The red blotches looking like so many blood clots were made more prominent I think because I'd lost most of my tan. One of these days I may have to go live in a bubble. Is it really external factors, or stuffs bottled up inside?

Tags: himbo

(no subject)

: leejean; November 20th, 16:14

I should be happy for him, I know.

But right now there's just this sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach and the cold invading from the tips of my fingers and toes.

I think tomorrow onwards I shall start being happy for him.

Tonight I shall go get wasted.

***
This must be what it felt like to be a neck waiting for the axe to fall.

If I'm at all sane, I'd stop the download and just let it be.

In my head I know there's no point torturing myself. But I suppose there's a part of me which has to see the proof before letting go. If letting go is possible.

I have to let go. I must let him go. There'd be others. I'd be fine.

***
That's it ...:-(

Tomorrow I shall start being happy.

Tags: himbo

outing

: leejean; November 19th, 23:29

Went to Nanyang Polytechnic as one of the exhibits this evening.

I was with a group of 2 women and 1 man. None of them have met a gay man before. They said in their imaginations, gay men are all good-looking (one said like flower), gentle, fashionable, etc. But since they also said they got their impressions from TV and papers, which are not allowed to portray gay people in good light, I guess there're things they were not telling. I suppose they're afraid to say anything negative in case the gay guy before them take out a knife or something. Hurhur.

They're attending Diploma in Counseling course which has this module titled Special People. I spent quite a few minutes rephrasing questions just to confirm that by 'special' people they mean gay people. It's funny that none of the three could articulate the word gay at first. Finally the guy went "gr gr gr gay" so I went "oh! you mean gay people!" I don't believe for a moment that 'special' is used in the same sense as we said to a loved one "you're special to me". It's more likely it's used in the sense of children with 'special' needs which means children with disability.

Before our session started, they were apparently discussing open relationship. One woman was proud of herself, I think. Before hearing from the lecturer, she said she'd be aghast that a guy could sleep with 300 guys. But afterwards, she realized she should not imposed her values on others. And she went on to say that she'd asked the lecturer whether they can ask questions - any question - of the gay person. So I know they were dying to know about gay sex. Of course I was determine not to satisfy that kind of curiosity. We talked only about coming out, gay identity and so on. But I heard at least one group talked only about sex sex sex.

The same woman works in a clinic in Geylang. She explained at length about the HIV/aids works they do. In a btw kind of way, she said HPB offered them a condom vending machine but the clinic declined because some of the staffs don't want "the men to collect the free condom and use it for other purpose". I don't think she realize how funny that statement is coming from people supposedly involve in HIV/aids education and advocacy. I guess some people just has a misplaced sense of morality.

Nearing the end of the session, she informed the other woman who kept repeating she'd always been curious about gay persons that "they are just like you and me". I guess for that alone, the session was worthwhile.

Tags: glbt

"A Working List of Things I Will Never Tell You"

: leejean; November 19th, 13:53

When I said I wasn’t with another girl
the January after we fell in love for the 3rd time,
it’s because it wasn’t actual sex.

In the February that began our radio silence,
it was actual sex. I hate the tight shirts
that go below your waistline.

Not only do they make you look too young,
but then your torso is a giraffe’s neck attached to tiny legs.
I screamed at myself in the subway

for writing poems about you still.
I made a scene. I think about you almost
each morning, and roughly every five days, I still

believe you’re there.
I still masturbate to you.
When we got really bad,

I would put another coat of mop water on the floor of the bar
to make sure you were asleep when I got to my side of the bed.
You are the only person to whom I’ve lied, knowing

I was telling the truth. I miss the way your neck
wraps around my face like a cave we are both lost in.
I remember when you said being with me

is like being alone with company.
My friend Sarah wrote a poem about pink ponies.
I’m scared you’re my pink pony.

Hers is dead. It is really sad. You’re not dead.
You live in Ohio, or Washington, or Wherever.
You are a shadow my body leaves on other girls.

I have a growing queue of things I know
will make you laugh and I don’t know where to put them.
I mourn like you’re dead. If you had asked me to stay,

I would not have said no.
It would never mean yes.

- Jon Sands

Tags: loss, love, poem, sands

beauty

: leejean; November 19th, 7:43

Sometimes I go to a place that I need to feel pain. Not emotional pain — I feel that often — but physical pain. Something to make myself hurt as a punishment for what I have done. For the hell I have put my loved ones through in the past five years. For the indiscretions, the drinking and the verbal abuse that I dole out as I go through life trying to make sense of all the absurdity that I live in. It doesn’t make sense, but I try to figure out who I am in all this. I am a husband. I am a stepfather. I am a student. I am a Marine. I am a combat veteran. I am a man who was violently attacked and left blind and tormented. I want to be normal. But I know there is no real normal. I just want to not feel the anger. I do not want to feel the guilt. I do not want to feel the shame.
I love my wife. I love my son, Caleb. I love my mom, Tracy, and my stepdad, Bob. I love my dad, Michael, and my stepmother, Margaret. I love my brother J.P. and my two sisters, Heather and Amy. I just wish I could love myself. If I could do that then I would be able to treat the people around me with the respect they deserve and show them all the love that I have for them.

That was from Home Fires

It was deeply moving. It's been a while since I cried reading an article. Also because I can identify with aspects of what he wrote about.

But the reason I'm now noting this down is because I didn't know at first what the guy looks like. From the words, I had this image of a Heathcliff-like (Wuthering Heights, not the cat) character somehow. Then I saw his picture at the bottom of the page. It's perhaps not PC to say this but he's really not pretty.

I'm now wondering whether I'd be as moved if I'd seen his picture before I read his writing.

I'm also thinking back whether there'd been times when I was taken in by the physical beauty of persons who were actually jerks. Ok, I can count the occasions on one hand. I'm blessed. Almost everyone I have the privilege to meet are lovely.

Tags: himbo, marriage

(no subject)

: leejean; November 18th, 11:10

I was watching a program the other day on balloon racing in your home country. A number of the guys could be your siblings. It struck me then that back home yours is not an uncommon type. It's only here that your good looks is rare. So in that sense you're right. But that was there and this is here. You've been around and I've not. To me, you're the most beautiful of men. Also, I've come to think I'm like the woman in Carolyn's tales. I think you're attractive because I love you.

Tags: jw

(no subject)

: leejean; November 16th, 19:57

I wish I know why I fall for you.

Tags: jw

innocent compliment

: leejean; November 16th, 11:55

A number of men at Tantric on Sunday night told me I have nice sinewy body. I think because I have prominent veins on my arms they imagine the rest of my body is equally lean and toned.

Maybe there's something wrong with me. I don't seem to be able to take compliments from strangers. I'd wonder if they have ulterior motive.

I remember saying to my young nephew "what a clever boy!" when he did something clever and the way he literally glow and sort of swell up.

Perhaps I need to try to recapture that kind of innocence...

Tags: himbo

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Live today as if there's no tomorrow

Random jottings about my life in general

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